I just saw a hot homeless man
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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