So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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