i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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