Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
