She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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