Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
