You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
