Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
