We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
