New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
