they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
