I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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