I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
