i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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