mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
