I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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