I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just invented taco cereal.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize