Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
