Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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