It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Congratulations! We have a period
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
