I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
