you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize