you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
