The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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