I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize