summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
