matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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