Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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