im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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