i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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