i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
