These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
