so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
All I want is dick and wine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
