I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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