Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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