I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
