well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize