where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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