I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
