Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I will be naked everywhere
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
