I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize