Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
