either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
