He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am midnight drunk by noon
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
