To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
