I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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