According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
