Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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