You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
