In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
