last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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