When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
