My first STD was from a foam party
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
