Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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